The NATO phonetic alphabetic (alpha, bravo, charlie, etc.) is used primarily by members of the military in order to communicate messages of great import clearly under adverse conditions. The original alphabet has gotten a bit threadbare due to its often haphazard inclusion in one too many war movies. As an alternative, I have put together the following.

ERA (emergency reptile alphabet)

A aspic

B bilbo

C chili

D dork

E eglantine

F fishkill

G gelid

H husk

I iskandar

J jerk

K korn

L lurch

M moist

N nodule

O oprah

P penis

Q quisp

R rascal

S slacks

T thor

U uvula

V vuvla

W whiffle

X xenon

Y yutz

Z zillow


Now, when you wish to express incredulity, it’s as easy, and fresh, as saying, “whiffle thor fishkill.” To spell my name, I would say, “chili uvula rascal thor.”

It’s pointless and complicated!