If anyone wants to go hunting in order to get meat for their family, I don’t have any problem with that. Better to shoot a buck in the wild than hire someone for minimum wage to fire a bolt into a cow in a factory.

Anyone who wants to go hunting for “sport,” however, should be required to agree to the following three conditions.

  1. You can only hunt wild animals, and only in the wild. Hunting livestock, domestic animals or animals in a “hunting preserve” is a capital offense.
  2. To hunt for sport, you must agree to be hunted in turn. The pool of those who will hunt you consists solely of vegans, the meanest people on earth.
  3. You must agree to hunt with a weapon that makes it a fair fight. The animal-to-weapon chart follows.
For an animal of up to this size You must use this weapon
Squirrel Golf tee
Jackrabbit Knitting needle
Javelina Pocket knife
Deer Combat knife
Lion Machete
Elephant Spear

Javelina photo by Erin and Lance Willett