All the items on my last list of resolutions were dispatched with alacrity. So I thought I’d do it again, serving as an inspiration to the lesser among you in terms of spiritual strength and will power. You’re welcome.

  1. Appear three-dimensional
  2. Pass as white
  3. Hunt the most dangerous prey of all . . .  man!
  4. Employ the Power of Mental Thinking
  5. Fluoresce
  6. Implement a surprise ending
  7. Be shocked out of my conservatism by the unprecedented antics of youth
  8. Write a haiku on writing a haiku about writing this haiku
  9. Develop a faith-based mathematics
  10. Pay more attention to celebrities and atheists

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Also, just for the record, these things are not as funny or as great as you pretend they are and deep down you know it, so knock it off.

  • Portlandia
  • 3D movies
  • Mobile apps
  • Scandinavian crime novels