All the items on my last list of resolutions were dispatched with alacrity. So I thought I’d do it again, serving as an inspiration to the lesser among you in terms of spiritual strength and will power. You’re welcome.

  1. Appear three-dimensional
  2. Pass as white
  3. Hunt the most dangerous prey of all . . .  man!
  4. Employ the Power of Mental Thinking
  5. Fluoresce
  6. Implement a surprise ending
  7. Be shocked out of my conservatism by the unprecedented antics of youth
  8. Write a haiku on writing a haiku about writing this haiku
  9. Develop a faith-based mathematics
  10. Pay more attention to celebrities and atheists


Also, just for the record, these things are not as funny or as great as you pretend they are and deep down you know it, so knock it off.

  • Portlandia
  • 3D movies
  • Mobile apps
  • Scandinavian crime novels