Long shot of tree tops, golden sunlight filters through the Appalachian pine tree forest as camera pans down to Woman in long 19th century dress, she is bent over the railroad tracks. Birds can be heard chirping. Hillbilly music swells.
Voiceover: (think of “The Waltons”) “I remember the way breakfast smelled, the way Ma used to make it…”
Camera: pans around to the front of “Ma” to reveal a hideous crone with no teeth, running sores on her face and a thick halo of buzzing flies. She cackles softly to herself, absorbed in her work. An outhouse shimmers in the gathering heat of the day.
Voiceover: “Ya know, they tell me now that The Japanese are makin’ some new-fangled toilet bacon…”
Camera: Pans to reveal “Ma” scooping ladles full of indefinable black goo from a steaming, fly-covered bucket onto the railroad ties in the sun.
Voiceover: “…fact is, Ozark Jimmy’s been makin his own toilet bacon right here in Arkansas, the same way Ma used to make it all those years ago..”
Camera: Close-up of a dirty, filthy smiling child chewing with disturbing enthusiasm, brownish spittle runs down his chin.
Voiceover: Call “Ol’ Jimmy toll-free for your free “toilet-bacon action Pak” 1-800-OZARK-J. Or Check Ol’ Jimmy out on the web at Double-Yuh Double-yuh Double-yuh Dot Ozark Jimmy dot com.”
Music swells as child smiles to reveal a mouthful of …? and broken, blackened teeth.
Voiceover: “Tell ’em Jimmy sent ya.”
Ozark Jimmy is suspected of being linked to shadowy domestic underworld and foreign terrorist figures and is under surveillance by the FBI, CIA, Naval Intelligence, the NSA, Interpol and MI5. Ozark Jimmy’s arch-enemy is Adirondack Stan.
Ozark Jimmy’s beginnings are obscure and no one is even really sure what his real name is. It’s safe to say he grew up in the South, in a tight-knit but fatherless family. They were poor, Jimmy was to later say, but they never knew it. He attributes a great deal of his and his family’s survival to an old fashioned mountain recipe that kept the clan strong and full of energy.
It was a recipe he was to later market to great effect. It was Toilet-Bacon.
NEW PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT
A GREAT GIFT FOR DAD!!! OR THE SPORTSMAN IN YOUR LIFE!!!
* NEW!! OZARK JIMMY PORTABLE “TRAIL-LET” A COLAPSABLE TOILET FOR THE OUTDOORSMAN
LET’S YOU GO ON THE MOVE!
RUGGED, RIP-STOP, STAINPROOF NYLON “TRAIL-LET”
COLLAPSES TO A PRINGLE’S-SIZE CAN IN A JIFFY!
CONSIDER THESE OTHER FINE GIFTS FOR THE OUTDOORSMAN IN YOUR LIFE:
TOILET BACON ENERGY BARS — WITH BACOFLAVANOIDS.
CREOSOTE TOILET BACON JERKY — NOW IN CAJUN SPICE!!
Please enter an oKey oWord to fire up the Ozark Jimmy oSearch Engine!!!!!!
It’s not about ecommerce at Ozark Jimmy — It’s about ‘O’ commerce.
Ozark Jimmy is a visionary, and is proud to roll out our complete oCommerce
solution to maximize the vertical upside potential of oMarkets globally.