1. Possessing poultry within city limits
  2. Writing haiku in English
  3. “Washing up” in a Starbucks bathroom
  4. Waving a car through an intersection
  5. Issuing instructions to others via bumper stickers
  6. Taking part in a “drum circle”**
  7. Responding to a request from a patron with a proclamation of abstinence***
  8. Using the word “impact” to refer to anything besides a meteorite or a tooth
  9. Wearing pedal pushers (Capri pants, clam diggers, etc.)
  10. Calling installations “art”
  11. Riding a Segway
  12. Riding a unicycle
  13. Juggling
  14. Using Barkomulch


*Depending on the state, vehicular homicide penalties range from one and 10 years in prison. This is for first offences. A repeat offence would automatically result in the death penalty.
**Unless you are an enrolled member of one of the 562 federally-recognized Indian tribes in the United States.
***If I ask you whether you have New York steaks, there are only two possible answers: “Yes,” followed by directions to the meat department, or “No.” “I don’t eat meat” is not an option for you. I don’t give a shit what you do on your own time. I expect you to know the stock of the store that pays your wages and to whom I pay mine. I expect you to know what Marlboros, Sancerre, C&H, Wonder Bread and Round Up are, whether or not the store where you work stocks them and, if so, where in the store they are to be found. Have I made myself clear?