500 Truly Tasteless Zen Koans


Yun-yen was making stew for the noon meal.
Tao-wu said, “You are talking to yourself about pantsuits again, aren’t you?”
Yun-yen said, “You should know that there is one pantsuit which bubbles up through the linoleum.”
Tao-wu said, “Is that so? Do you mean to say that that Tolstoy was the fifth Beatle?”
Yun-yen held up a pork chop and said, “How many fingers am I holding up?”
Tao-wu said nothing.


Gavin MacLeod scratched out the Diamond Sutra on a matchbook cover. He gave it to Wu-tsao.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“It is my dirty ass,” he replied. “Why don’t you clean it?”


Shih-huang Ti was traveling in the wilderness. After one week of travel he spotted a monastery on a cliff. He rode his horse up to the monastery and dismounted. Entering the Great Hall he was met by a monk holding a bowl of rice.
Shih-huang Ti said, “I have traveled very far. I must relieve myself. Please show me your toilet.”
The monk did not speak but thrust out the bowl of rice.
Shih-huang Ti said again, “Please show me your toilet.”
Again, the monk thrust out the bowl.
Shih-huang Ti shouted angrily, “Monk! Is this how you treat your guests? I have told you twice already, show me your toilet!”
The monk replied compassionately, “The toilet is here.”
Shih-huang Ti took down his riding breeches and loosened his bowels into the bowl.


Karl Malden.


What is the sound of one Jed Clampet?

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