Authentic Frontier Gibberish

Last year, I was out at a State Department conference at the Meridian House in D.C. When I went down the wrong set of stairs trying to find the bathroom, I tripped over a water-damaged cardboard document box. One of the documents I knocked out of the box was the following, written on a fax form marked with the seal of the Department of the Interior.

Bush chugs brews
and laughs at dying children
In Sheridan, Wyoming President Bush shoots Pabst “as prayer for the victims” of the hurricane in New Orleans.
President George Bush took a break from his vacation to address criticism of his administration’s actions. At a go-cart track outside of Sheridan, Wyoming, Bush drilled a small hole in a can of Pabst, gingerly fastened lips around and gave thumbs up sign. Vice President Dick Cheney cracked the tab and within a couple of seconds the cold frosty one had rocketed down the President’s gullet. He smacked his lips.

They should relax and have a sweet fucking brew — Bush
“That’s fuckin’ sweet,” he said.
When asked why he had called the press conference in the capital of this western state, several thousand miles from the devastation, he burped.
“Look, even this is too fucking close. Heh-heh. Fuckin’ A,” said Bush (Bush)
The President reached down his slacks and fetched up a handful of what appeared to be corned beef hash. Speaking as he ate, he indicated that everything negative that had ever been said about him, his cabinet, his administration, his political party, was nonsense.

The President was eating trouser hash. I think he’s fucking retarded.

Shambol Johnson
Emergency response head
“There’s never been a hurricane,” said Vice-President Cheney. “Certainly not in New Orleans. If you say there is one, the terrorists win.
“Also, we’ll kill you.”
“Heh-heh,” added the president.
Everyone from Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco to New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin to the editorial pages of the conservative Washington Times have taken the President to task for his inaction.
“Everything is fine,” said the President. “You’re stupid.”

It is the light-bending frontier gibberish from H.P. Lovecraft’s “beyond.” Merely gazing on this hedgehog- fucking gnome will pull your soul out of your pants and stuff it in a talking pumpkin.

Pope Benedict
Now, everyone dies.

Anyone who’s dying is a fucking liar, according to the President

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