Let’s replace the fulsome eructations of E!’s “Celebrity Homes” and MTV’s “Cribs” with something closer to real life. Our Host, a person without a slavish devotion to either Architectural Digest or Vibe and with just a wee smidgen of common sense, takes the place of the bobble-head doll or the transparent pseudo-chum in front of the camera. He visits the homes of the rich and famous and shows them to you with a critical eye.When yet another beautiful young thing shows you the icebox full of champagne or empty but for wheatgrass juice then turns to the camera and mewls, “I’m just so busy working,” Our Host will let you know she really means is, “I own a four million dollar home but I don’t know how to live in it so I’m trying to present a failing as a virtue.”

When there are decorating obscenities, they are called out. When the Celebrity tries to spin, our Host spins back. When a house is bereft of even a single book or chock to the ceilings with movie posters, Our Host makes mention. When another in the long list of house-visit-show clichés are unleashed, our Host stomps them down.

An optional variant on this idea is to have our Host, instead of visiting the rich and famous with a sharp eye, visit the misguided, anonymous and peculiar, using the same kind of unctuous and worshipful eye featured by most home shows.

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Global Wig-Out Productions © 2005

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