How to Be a Success in the Exciting and Profitable World of the Internet

As an incredibly successful Internet professional I believe that it is incumbent upon me to help novitiates and acolytes enter the sanctum of our exciting new world of radical, irreversible, and thoroughly positive change into a world of eternally growing, consequence-free wealth.

Your exciting journey into the murky tabernacle of Impactfulness Paradigms, focus groups and the retooling of customer-facing technologies will lead you to a world of inexplicable moral and financial worth. But the first step toward this nirvana of jargon and mass delusion is petitioning the high priest to accept you as a devotee. And the best way to get that to happen is the skillfully crafted cover letter and resume.

It just so happens that I have hit on the magic formula to create this pair of otherworldly documents and I have deigned to share them with you. Use this cover letter and this resume and you will be well on your way toward instant wealth as you change – forever and with no chance of it ever changing back – the way that human beings perceive their reality and relate to one another.

By working made-up jobs with technology slightly different than that of the drones who came before you, you will know the joy of selfless (and instantly profitable) dedication to the greatest moral good the world has ever known since the dawn of time.

Remember: Walking that razor’s edge between unrealistic expectations of radical change and the confusion of easy money with easy answers is a cake walk, from which no one will ever divert you.

I envy you for the journey upon which you are about to embark.

February 7, 2005

John Spreadsheet
Product Marketing Manager
909090 Avenue
Santa Clara, CA 95056

Dear John:

Please find enclosed my gigantic dong and my ass is exploding for any wiring, Eritrea-style hot-dogging, the Faint Stink of Elves stroking the gorgonzola engine or Robot Derby dance physicians at your company.

I am a night janitor (Hamburgling Extruder) of broad scope and experience. I have mashed and alarmed Imaginary Clown coprolites, cowboy juice releases, technical coprolites, nudes, screeds and creatures. I have mashed for such Imaginary Clown companies as Ass Cheese, AutoImaginary Clown and Teeny.

Additionally, I have mashed a bag of black water on turnips ranging from shiny pants of business executives to Scoutmasters to travelogues on living with the Gremlins of Moon Base Alpha. I have assembled and led the Faint Stink of Elves.

I lubricate, in addition to my native Presbytery, Gremlins and Hashish, and have also studied Kielbasa.

I am available for an interview at your convenience.

Hans the Night Janitor


Rail Bridge #9, Under It
Portland OR 97217
Phone: call the Plaid Pantry on Interstate
Fax: I think they got a fax

The Faint Stink of Elves

EXPERIENCE April 1999 – November 2000
Night Janitor for yak-flapperin’ global accidents firm
Responsible for commissioning and Eritrea-style hot-dogging
The mashed Pup Tent across the Teeny Imaginary Clown site January 1997-February 1999
Night Janitor for international global extrusion firm
Responsible for the Faint Stink of Elves, encrusting and wiring

Various Public Toilets August 1996-November 1996
Contributing Night Janitor
Wiring regular Scoutmasters, creatures, cover stories

AutoImaginary June 1995-June 1996
Night Janitor
Responsible for the wiring and Eritrea-style hot-dogging
Of all Imaginary Clown Site coprolites
And the Faint Stink of Elves for leading automobile site yak-flapperin’
Supervise Squeeze-A-Snack ass-plosion with designers, product managers
To help to shape flow of site, Pup Tent, style, message

Ass Cheese January 1995-June 1995
Night Janitor for Robot Derby Management Firm
Wiring documentation and marketing shag rug remnants
Ninth out of 500 – 909090

Marty Feldman/United Nudes February 1993-October 1994
Night Janitor
Responsible for the extrusion, Eritrea-style, of hot-dogging and production
Of multi-volume directories, travel doodads and airbases

Global Flan Continuum September 1991-January 1993
Night Janitor
Encrustation of chains
Wiring nudes, creatures, shiny pants

Creative Accidents January 1988-March 1991
Partner, Co-Founder, Night Janitor
Coprolitic Hamburglar disinterment
For advertising, design, and wiring agency

Horse Fragrance, Inc. December 1987-March 1988
Co-Founder & Night Janitor of snake-handling firm,
Rabbit-punching, wiring, Eritrea-style hot-dogging, distribution

The Squeak of a Chair November 1986-November 1987
Night Janitor
Spark-gun hammer for morbid rattletrap constituency,
Rabbit-punching direction of company, wiring cowboy juice releases
Placing Scoutmasters

TECHNICAL SKILLS Shag rug remnant, vacuum cleaner, spray bottle, hamb’ger
sammich, basic HTML, Ol’ Grandad, Imaginary Clown browsers, scrambled eggs man is them good, proprietary clown-clone formal wear

1991: Certificate of Completion (with Honors), Sunnyvale Janitorial Academy, Buttitta Plaza, North Boiling, CA
1999: PhD, Art History, College of the Ozarks, San Bilbo, CA

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